Mothers Day - a celebration or heartache.

Sunday May 11th 2008, is Mothers Day.

So here we are again, another year flying by and lo and behold, May has snuck up on us, past Valentines day, and Presidents day and whoosh Mother’s day arrives.  What to buy, what to do, making plans to enjoy a beautiful celebration of Parenthood, and yes it repeated all over again when Father’s get their chance to be honored in June.  This day is meant as a celebration and rightly so, parenting can be hard and frustrating but also exhilarating and rewarding, to celebrate Mother’s and Father’s on one special day a year is to stop and celebrate what an amazing job parents do with their kids. 

But as we know in life for every Ying there must be a Yang!

What of the parentless couples all around us who struggle to get pregnant or stay pregnant? How many people do you know in your circle of friends that have gone through the painful and often invasive process of fertility problems? 

Couples are incorrectly labeled by their Doctor’s and themselves as “Infertile” but what they are really experiencing is a fertility problem. A slight but very important difference in terminology. To be infertile is to NEVER be able to achieve the act of pregnancy, as opposed to a fertility problem, which merely suggets that this couple will be able to achieve pregnancy (and childbirth) as soon as the fertility issue is recognized and resolved.  For most couples pregnancy is possible, not easy to achieve, but possible. Right now a couple may be unable to achieve a viable pregnancy because something is not working correctly, because something in the process fails, this should not be labeled infertility, it should be deemed a medical mystery. It should be defined from the get-go as a problem with a solution, and if not a solution then at least a reason why the process is broken. Once we choose our label it sticks, it becomes what we know and who we are. So first let’s take away the label, call it what it really is, a fertility problem. Problems can often be solved! An inability to conceive is a medical issue. Conception involves an egg joining together with a sperm, and then the fertilized egg moves on to the implantation part of the process.  Understanding the process is key; conception itself is such a miraculous event that when successful  our uterus should sound a triumphant chorus of epic proportions; the egg and the sperm have to meet just at the right time, (around just five measly days each 28 day cycle), then the sperm has to penetrate the outer shell of that precious egg, if the egg and the sperm manage to join together and fall triumphantly into the uterus, the soon to be embryo has to continue duplicating and splitting and following its genetic coding, all the time completing the ultimate goal of implantation. This is where our future girl guide or eagle scout has to find a comfy little spot in the uterine wall and burrow down, where the resulting baby will be situated for maximum growth potential over the next nine months.  All this happens because we are genetically wired to make it happen; it’s really not surprising that for many the process fails due to complications or faulty wiring. Not surprising, but truly devastating none-the-less.

It is thought that one in seven couples, struggle with the art of pregnancy.  The American Pregnancy Association  suggests the following: “Fertility issues affect one in seven couples in the United States and the total number of people with difficulty conceiving is estimated to be more than 6 million nationwide.  While men and women are about equally likely to have factors contributing to their difficulty conceiving, in approximately 30 percent of cases both partners have contributing fertility issues.  Because of this it is essential to test both partners.  With fertility problems attributed to a number of factors and affecting couples of varying ages, early detection of fertility issues can significantly increase a couple’s chances of becoming pregnant.”  

Again, its not surprising that failure is high, but when it happens to you, it’s not surprising it’s simply devastating.  Unexplained Fertility is a very common diagnosis, but really it’s no diagnosis at all. There can be so many reasons why this process fails, immune problems, previous medical issues, fibroids, heart shaped uterus, sperm problems, nutrition problems, even general health and lifestyle choices, that often Doctors are at a loss to pinpoint the exact reason. Doctor’s merely diagnose these couples as “unexplained” knowing that if they choose to go forward with an ART procedure (Assisted Reproductive Technique, including IVF etc.) the outcome for success is low.  The CDC discusses ART guidelines and success at their website.

Regardless of why, how or what happens to disrupt the process, the process is disrupted. For the millions of couples who want children but are unable to conceive or the couples who can conceive yet suffer the heartbreak of one miscarriage after another, Mother’s day can be especially difficult to the psyche.  It seems everywhere you turn starting in April, the green shamrocks are getting torn down, the Easter bunnies are being relegated to the back room for yet another year and instead the pastel colored balloons and streamers declare Mothers Day as the upcoming holiday to celebrate.  Items totally unrelated to parenting are everywhere being touted as the perfect Mother’s Day gift, there are Mother’s day displays at the grocery store, at the mall, even at the gas station, as everyone plies their wares toward making us feel it necessary to celebrate the special day with flowers, chocolate and gift certificates for hair removal!

So as you celebrate, and as the folks you know who are going through this struggle put on a brave face and celebrate with you, spare a thought, give a hug, try to understand the pain they are going through.  For those of you struggling with this problem, help is available. There are so many people living through this issue that the stories of hope and success are also out there, there are blogs to read and forums where you can talk with others about realizing the impossible dream. 

Some great places to start are RESOLVE, a National Organization dedicated to providing information to make your family dreams possible. If you have tried multiple times to conceive with or without ART procedures or you fall into the “unexplained” category, a great book to read is “Is your Body Baby Friendly” by Dr. Alan Beer. The immune system can deter your body from maintaining, recognizing or holding a pregnancy, and this information can often be a neglected piece of the puzzle that has been causing misery and fertility problems for many, many couples. Including a possible reason as to why many do not find success even in IVF procedures.
 
All over the web you will find forums dedicated to the process of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Reach out; find other couples in this process who you can talk too. Consider joining a help group in your area so you can talk to other couples with the same problem. Remember that most problems have a solution, the inability to conceive or stay pregnant can be more than just heartbreaking it can consume your every waking moment and rudely invade you dreams, the ever increasing desire, the feelings of trying to find a missing piece of your puzzle, the heartbreak every time one more person in your circle manages your impossible dream, the heart wrenching pain of being invited to yet another baby shower, listening to tales regaled of the “surprise” unwanted pregnancy, and worse the person who gets pregnant by just looking at her husband, the impossible dream can seem just that, an impossible dream for so many couples.

If you are not the person(s) experiencing this, try to be understanding, you can’t offer advice unless you have been there, the only words of wisdom these couples can hear without dyeing inside (and secretly wanting to poke you in eye by the way) is “I am so sorry”. Unless you understand, don’t tell someone you do, unless you have experienced this don’t pretend you can relate, you really can’t! But you can be a shoulder, a soft place to fall, an ear to listen every time they need to talk.  That itself goes a long way to healing.  Remember, fertility is a arduous process for most couples especially when they don’t or can’t experience the joy of pregnancy, or when they finally get pregnant the fear can be so great that they fall apart at every pinch, pull, or tug. 

There are options, many options to have the family you desire, speak to others, get out there, and join people who know what you are going though.  We wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day, both to those who are already parents and also to those with the desire to be parents.

Make an adjustment, Be happy ~ Stay Healthy: Call Dr. Paul or Dr. Susan at 303.674.1500 or email office@fontanachiro.com
 

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